I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
