I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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