Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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