At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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