I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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