okay pat passed out under dana's car
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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