she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
