Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
