Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
