Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
