i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
