Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
