All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
