When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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