I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
