Little spoons don't ask big questions
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
