Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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