Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
