You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
