So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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