I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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