Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just pee around me
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
