Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
