im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
