You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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