So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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