Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
