apparently the secret to your success is patron
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
