i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
