Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I forget how to act sober
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
