ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
