Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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