Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
