Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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