He passed out mid-signature
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I need to calm my uterus...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Dear god my vagina.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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