ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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