Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You ruined the universe
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
