Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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