I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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