man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
