i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
