My liver just broke up with me...
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
