i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
