as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
