new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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