East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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