I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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