I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
