I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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