3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
