i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
