so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
