dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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