He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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