he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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