i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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